I was going through old photos and found this. I'm such a Patriot.

Turns out in Japan Sumos eat babies...who knew.

For his next trick kids he's gonna swallow some sausage.

So the Fantastic 4 opens today. I was going to see it until somebody told me that Jessica Alba was the Invisible Girl. Really? That's some gutsy casting. I mean, I could see if she was Silent Girl or I-have-nothing-to-do-with-the plot-but-I'm-still-on-screen Girl but c'mon. Pretty much the only reason this movie will make a billion dollars in DVD sales is because of old perverts who don't understand how to use the internet yet.

Invisible? Why?

Another reason I love Japan, baseball mascots rape cheerleaders.

Some observations for the attached photo:

1. What about pouty-face up front? Does anyone else want to punch that kid?
2. Why is the man in the middle giving us "the Birdman?" Is that the new "are you a friend of Dorothy?"
3. None of these ladies has even begun to shave yet.
4. Do ANY of these pieces of garbage ever step back, look around at their crew, smell all the products, notice all of the conspicuously absent eyebrows, the tanning cream, the pink fabric, the open collars, and think, "Holy shit. We are SO gay that we have gone RIGHT THROUGH gay, BACK into straight, then BACK into gay again, and then PAST gay to female, and then to lesbian, then to BUTCH, then to new-age omni-sexual and then BOOM right back into gay again?"
5. Why don't dads hit their kids anymore? You see what happens, Safety Generation parents? YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS?

Speaking of sneakers the other day I wanted to get a pair of sneakers, nothing special, just a pair of sneaks for light running maybe the occasional game of hoop. Unfortunately FootLocker doesn't have that. They have 3 types of sneaker and each costs $150...you can get the marathoner running "footwear system", you can get the MJ basketball shoes or you can get a pair of Timberlands in case you end up in a rap battle. So then I have to decide which is least likely to happen to me...so it's hoop game or rap battles. Let's be honest here; 26 miles, I don't think so--the only thing I run any more is my mouth. So I end up doling out a buck fifty on sneakers that I wear once a week in a pick up game with a bunch of lawyers. All I wanted was a simple pair of sneakers that didn't make it look like I had polio.

Its been 10 years since Biggie was assassinated. Ten years! No arrests, no suspects. How do you shoot a 400 lbs celebrity and not have anyone witness it? I couldn't spit on Nicole Richie without being in US Weekly, where were the paparazzi when Biggie got capped? Ten years since that song (Diddy, every breath you take).

You know what's funny about that song? There's a verse in there where Puff is reminiscing about being at the mall "shopping for new clothes and kicks". I gotta say something, I hope when I die the highlight of my life wasn't buying Reebocks. I hope my friends aren't standing over my casket struggling to find something nice to say and then one of them goes, "He could really try on sneakers." "Yeah" "That's true"

I saw a sign today that REALLY pissed me off and actually made me a little sad. It read “Never leave your baby alone in the bathtub”. WHAT!??? We need signs for this sort of thing? Sadly, apparently we do. When I was growing up we had PSA’s…for kids, they were mostly about eating healthy, not playing with matches, and not talking to strangers. They were colorful, to the point, and came on during the cartoon lineup. It saddens me so much to see that as a society people are so dumb that we need billboard advertisements telling parents not to leave their BABY alone in the bathtub…”duh gee wiz I thought it could swim…baby dolphins can swim and theys mammals too” You morons, you selfish pricks, you should be hung by your toenails and beaten with a rubber hose to death. I have a lot of problems with kids these days, and I have huge issues with parents but I got no beef with a baby. It reminds me of something I saw: A man after being bitched out by his “girlfriend?” for not paying for child support retorted with “I’m a good dad…I have ALL my kids names Tattooed on my arm!” You vermin, you piece of filth I can only hope one day your kids will grow to hate you as much as I do. The next billboard I want to see addressing parents should be “Don’t be a shithead, take care of your kid”

"Brrrr it's cold" "Oh my God...I'm FREEZING!!!" Ya know something assholes it's Winter!!! Surprise surprise it's cold outside. Honestly what the hell are these people expecting? For the past 2 months I've listened to people bitch about how global warming is killing us, now it gets cold, as it should be and I hear nothing but bitching about the
weather. Hey all you assholes who think that bitching about the weather somehow makes it more bearable...shut the fuck up! all your doing is
decreasing the possibility of you freezing to death by increasing the probability that I'm going to beat you to death where you stand. Grown men too head to toe in scarves and mittens shivering like little girls,
I want to vomit. Hey assholes I have a perfect place for you where you can set the temperature...It's called your oven just turn it on and stick your head in you'll never have to worry about the weather again.